Finding Gratitude with Grief
Pins I had ordered before my father passed away to show support and raise awareness. They arrived too late.
It’s been two months since my father passed away, I’m still finding things around the house that remind me of his short journey with cancer. I have the soft hats he never needed, I still don’t know what to do with them. I have the keychains I bought the nurses, I do plan on going back to the hospital, I don’t know when. I found the notebook I used to take to appointments, and the journal where I wrote everything in an orderly fashion. I have the cancer books we got my mom, I hid them as soon we got back from the hospital on that cloudy grey day in February. I really believed that we’d look back at these things and it would just remind of us the journey towards beating cancer. I never thought we’d lose this battle. Not this soon. But here we are, left with our emotions and our memories. There’s some guilt there, but isn’t there always?
I’m trying not to feel guilty. I’m telling myself, I called my parents every day, I didn’t necessarily talk to my dad every day but he was always in the background and I’d send my love. I know I didn’t visit a lot but I tried my best and I was there when he needed me. I’m so grateful his final months were in Riyadh and I visited almost every day. I’m grateful I visited even when it was hard. I’m grateful I went to every doctor’s appointment and both chemo sessions. I never imagined there wouldn’t be a third. And even on the days when everything was too much and I felt like no one undersstood I’m grateful that I am strong enough to be all the things I am and do all the things I do to support the people I love.
The past five months have been long and hard and exhausting. The past two month I’ve been trying to live, to move on because that’s what were supposed to do, right? I think of my dad every day, I pray for him, my cousin set a charity in his name and when it really hurts giving to his charity helps. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, there were a lot of things on hold because I was too busy between visiting my parents, hospital visits and my other responsibilities. One of our full-time helpers ran away about two weeks before my father passed away and I had to hire someone new who doesn’t speak English or Arabic and has no experience. She’s great, she just needs a lot of learning. So, the house is cluttered but that’s my fault I was so busy with everything, I didn’t have time to teach her. I had postponed some doctors’ appointments and checkups, I’m checking those off my list. It’s been a little hard to focus so for the first month, I started projects all around the house and made the house even more chaotic. I’m slowly tackling these projects, checking things off my lists.
I’m trying to give my mom more space, I know she needs space to sit and process everything, but it’s hard and I worry.
In Islam, when a women loses her husband she has a period of mourning called “Idah” where she doesn’t leave the house unless necessary (for example if she needs to work to support herself, she needs to go see a doctor, by groceries..) my mother is content staying at home, she had a cold a month ago and I tried convincing her that it was ok for her to go see a doctor but she refused. Thankfully the hospital has video call appointments and the doctor was great, and my mother was fine.
My mother has shown so much strength, and patience. I can only imagine how much this hurts her, they were together for 48 years. She got married when she was 17. I know it is so hard, and I pray that her broken heart heals with time. I know she will always miss him but with time the pain will become more barrable.
I’m grateful my mother is spending her Ida in Riyadh, where there are so many friends and family who can visit her. All of my siblings except two are in Riyadh too. Its funny how things worked out this way, she had only moved to Riyadh in December.