When Grief Catches you off Guard

Sometimes when you think you’re ok, grief catches you off guard.

On Friday I was invited to an engagement party of someone very dear to me but, I had been dreading it so much. It may sound silly, but attending parties still feels wrong. How can I dress up and be happy so soon?

I attended a wedding only three months after my father had passed. It was difficult but the groom was my husband’s nephew - the oldest son - and I knew attending would mean a lot to them. I never imagined how hard it would be but I gave myself a little pep talk; I was going to a happy occasion and I wanted to share their joy. No tears.

The tears were there, of course, but I managed to keep them hidden. Looking back I felt even more guilt, how did I attend a wedding so soon after my father’s passing? I know I did nothing wrong, my mother actually incurred me to go. My husband’s family really appreciated me attending and they knew how hard it was for me.

Here we are four months later and It still feels wrong.

The week before the engagement was busy preparing our house for the men’s engagement lunch. I enjoyed the preparations, especially replanting the garden which really needed some love. Friday came, the men’s lunch was as success and now it was my turn to get ready for the women’s engagement party.

I went to get my hair and makeup done and I thought I was fine. I was a little restless and hallway through my makeup I told the makeup artist, an old friend, that I was tired and just wanted to go home. When I got home the tears came. I couldn’t stop them. I knew I was ruining my makeup, but I couldn’t stop the tears. I did my best to dab at the tears.

I messaged my best friend, she reminded me that I needed a distraction. I tried to listen to something while getting dressed. I couldn’t focus at first but it helped a little. My husband called me, where are you? All the guests have arrived!

I told him I was having a hard time getting ready, he came up, helped me zip up my dress and button the top buttons. I told him I was ok and finished getting ready. The drive to the engagement I continued to watch a funny show to distract myself and I arrived smiling and hugging the mother of the bride, doing my best to be present.

I sat next to my oldest sister in law and I explained why I was late, she was understanding. “Of course, you haven’t forgotten him, its ok”

When the bride came down the stairs, and it was time for the mother-daughter dance. I guess it was mixed emotions of seeing this beautiful young lady who was a little girl when I got married and the overwhelming grief I was trying to bottle up. It was too much.

I got up as quietly as I could and went to the bathroom to collect myself, I’m pretty sure I wiped off all the foundation off my nose but I did my best to keep my eyeliner from smudging.

After a few deep breaths, I went back and sat down, feeling a little better. I managed to enjoy myself and celebrate the beautiful bride.

I’m learning that healing doesn’t mean forgetting — it means finding the courage to show up, even when it still hurts.