2025

At the beginning of January 2025 I asked my husband to drive me into the desert far away from the city and highways and cars. The silence of the desert is powerful and brought me some peace when life was overwhelming.

When the YOU app still existed, we would have a half year and end of year reflections which was nice. It helped you look at the past 6/12 months and reflect on everything going on in your life. The past couple of weeks every time I saw someone reflect on the past year or post about wat they had accomplished or what they had done the past year I felt a tightness in my chest reflecting on my own year. All I could think about was losing my father and the grief. The grief that seems never-ending. The sadness that sometimes is so overwhelming. That catches me off guard that creeps on me when I least expect it/ it seems everything reminds me and the tears are always there. I have tried so hard to move on. To accept that he is gone. To let go of the guilt, to remind myself that I did all I could and that there was nothing else we could have done. My father’s oncologist’s phone call helped me a lot and I thought that would be the beginning of me being ok. That’s what I want to be; ok.

 I decided to go through my photos and choose photos to reflect what the past year looked like to me. It started with hospital appointments for my father, I’m grateful I was able to be there for him, for my mother and for my brothers who took my parents to the appointments. I know they could have managed without me but I know it helped to have someone else there. Between hospital visits I was trying to find ways to make my father more comfortable, foods that were high in fiber, high in protein. Clothes that kept him warm in the harsh dry winter of the desert that has become Riyadh. Clothes he could easily access his port. Shoes that fit his swollen feet. All painful details I still remember. My album is full of photos that remind me even if I forget, I can’t seem to delete them.

Then in February there was the Riyadh marathon. A much welcome break. My father was stable. One of my brothers stayed with my parents. We went Saturday morning with my boys and my younger brother, we met my older brother and his family. It was a great day. A few days later, my father was hospitalized and that was the beginning of the end. I tried to visit him every day. I try not to feel regret for not visiting him those two days when I couldn’t make it. The days were long and stressful, between school pickups, lunch with my mother in law, homework and laundry, dinner and bedtime. while also picking my mom up to go visit my dad, taking her home and spending the night some nights. It took me about a week to realize that I could delegate. I called my brothers who willingly started taking my mom to the hospital to see my dad and taking her home and spending the night so she wouldn’t be all alone at home.

I won’t talk about that grey February morning. It has passed. But leading up to this day there were lots of gym days, I would work out myself most days because my schedule was so busy I never seemed to manage to schedule classes with my personal trainer. I took out all the frustration, the grief of my father’s illness, the feeling of helplessness, the sadness, the anger, at the gym. I cried a lot at the gym. the day before my father passed I went to the gym and trained lower body until my personal trainer insisted I had trained enough and sent me home.

When I looked at my photo album, I remembered I did two 5ks in March, it was the month of Ramadan for Muslims so the races were at night. It was a great outlet for me. My brother came with me to one and my kids to the other.

In April my 6th grader fractured a finger playing soccer (football my kids always remind me) we also celebrated his graduation from elementary school. In May we participated in the first One Run in Saudi Arabia. My 6th 10k in three years! We celebrated my oldest graduating high school. A little bitter sweet celebrating while my mother was still in Ida and unable to attend and my father no longer with us to see his first grandchild graduate. I tried so hard to focus on the milestone.

We started June with a short trip just me and my husband. It was just what I needed and I told myself I was ok after that. Maybe there are different levels to being ok. I know it really helped to getaway form all my responsibilities for a couple of days.

I took my first class in using a pottery wheel with my daughter at Synergy. (organized by the RWG) which was a fun experience. we plan on going again.

In July we participated in the most fun race the Summer Splash organized by Race Arabia. I’ve never laughed so much during a race.

In August we took a family trip to the two holy cities Madinah and mecca. We had a wonderful week full of worship and connecting as a family. Then we spent a week in Qatar where my daughter fractured her toe. Never a dull moment with 5 kids... We took the kids home and left for a week as a couple. It was crazy planning multiple trips and packing multiple suitcases as a family of 7 but I managed and didn’t forget much. (forgetting something was inevitable)

I was so sure the distraction of traveling and exploring new places was what I needed and that I would be ok.

I came home exhausted but content., happy to see my kids again and here about my eldest’s first week of college. I was better. Not 100% yet.

All of a sudden it was September, school had started. I signed up for a crochet course organized by the RWG and finally realized my dream of learning to crochet. It has become my new hobby and I’ve found it very therapeutic and grounding. I have finished three blankets and I’m working on my fourth. Giant granny squares. Simple, receptive no counting no focus needed. Perfect for me these days.

In October I renovated the multipurpose room outside in time for my husband’s niece’s engagement, a great distraction from my thoughts. I also developed a minor knee injury that has affected my training at the gym which has been very frustrating. I prepared for my 7th 10k the Tuwaiq trail race which has been postponed until further notice. The end of November I got a call from my father’s oncologist which has brought me relief and at least released me from the guilt I was carrying. We also finally found my mother’s soon to be forever home God willing. Literally around the corner, I am so grateful God answered our prayers and my mother will finally be my neighbor. Also bittersweet, I have dreamed of this for so long and it only became a reality after we lost my father.

In December we had a small health scare with my husband. We know he has gallstones but he had a bad flare up before a business trip. His gastronomist insisted he do an endoscopy & colposcopy. which was just a precaution but it brought back all the memories of my father’s procedures that were done exactly a year before. Thankfully my husband is ok, he does need to remove his gallbladder but I know from experience that it’s a minor surgery. I just hope he doesn’t postpone it too much.

As I sit and write this all down I realize how lucky I am and although this past year has been hard, all though I am still grieving and I’m not 100% ok. I am getting there. 

I didn’t have a “bad year” or a “good year.”

I had a brave year. A year where I: loved deeply, showed up when it hurt, kept going when stopping would have been easier. I am still standing, still reflecting, still finding my way.