Healing

Since my father passed away, I have had this calendar at the date of his passing. At first I would find someone had changed it and I would get angry and change it back. I realize now that I need to accept that not changing the date on this calendar won’t bring him back and maybe changing it will help me move on.

It’s been a year and one month since my father passed away. His illness and death have been the hardest thing I have even been through. I know I am strong, and my strength has gotten me through this but that doesn’t mean I’m ok. I’ve come to terms with the fact that its I’m not ok. I’ve decided that a year isn’t a lot and I don’t have to be ok. I know I may type this and pretend its easy but It isn’t. it is very hard for me to admit to anyone that I’m not ok.

I think there are no clear stages to grief, and our grief was mixed between accepting our father’s illness to accepting his death. I’ve felt all the emotions; in no specific order, over and over again.

I’ve felt foolish this past year looking back at how much hope I had and I realize now that I wasn’t foolish. I was just a daughter who wanted her father to be ok so much that of course I could never let the thought of him dying enter my thoughts. I’ve relived the past year, the months before his death the months after. I know its normal to have regrets but I can’t let them consume me. I’ve hesitated blogging because it seems that all I have to talk about is grief but that’s ok. I promised this blog would be real and as hard as it is to be vulnerable I hope that my honestly will help someone going through something similar.

Recently I have been thinking about all the holidays, vacations, and weekends I didn’t go visit my parents and I have been beating myself about it. The insomnia has gotten so bad I barely manage two hours a night and the naps in the day time aren’t restful. I woke up the other night after barely an hour, crying and I couldn’t tell my husband why because I didn’t know myself.

I think in order for me to heal I need to forgive myself. I know if I could talk to my father he wouldn’t be disappointed. I know that because God knows of my good intentions of trying to balance between all of my responsibilities, God brought my father to me during his last days. As hard as that was, I am forever grateful that I was there for him and my mother. As exhausting as it was; I was there for all the doctors’ appointments, I tried to make sure they had everything they needed to be comfortable in their new home, when he was hospitalized, I visited him every day except for one day and I will not let the guilt of that day consume me. I know that God is so merciful and that my dad didn’t suffer for long. I know God knows that my mother is strong and as hard as it is, she will be ok.

My mother is finally going to be my neighbor, literally a 5 min walk from my house and I hate that my father isn’t going to be there too. But I have decided that I can’t let this grief consume me. I need to look for the good, and accept what God has given us. I know my mother’s house was a gift from God, to find a house that checked all of her boxes and also be my neighbor was nothing short of a miracle. So, I am going to try my best from this day forward to be happy, because I know my father would have wanted that. I know I will still miss him I will still be sad and the tears will be there but m not going to let it take away the joy.

I am trying to take care of myself again, it seems my selfcare is the first thing I let go of. I have started working out again, I went three times last week! I made a dentist appointment for myself on Wednesday, I will fill my supplement container for the week. 

I know happiness is a choice and I don’t want to choose the dark place I have been in lately. I want to sleep early and wake up energized when I wake up my kids for school. I want to spend my time with my kids especially the younger ones who have had way too much screen time lately. I have a summer bucket list of activates that I haven’t even started. I’ve decided we don’t need to wait for summer vacation.

I used to plan vacations when life as a stay at home mom was so overwhelming. Maybe I need to start doing that again. I need to find joy in new things and remember the old things that brought me joy.

I’m tired of feeling tired and I know only I can change how I feel and how I react to my new reality.

I pray that God gives me the strength to follow through with this post and that I get through this.